Florida Laws That Don't Make Sense



I thought I would have a little fun this week and expose some laws you might find interesting and perhaps make you laugh a bit too.

I am concentrating on the Florida Constitution this week, but if you enjoy the article, please send comments or emails and I will research them and include your suggestions or do a follow up. Trust me, there are enough of these weird laws (and weird court responses to the laws) to last me a while. 

Before we get started, I am not going to rehash the normal Florida laws that everyone cites, such as the fine for parking your elephant at a meter and not paying, the law against selling kids, the weird “romantic” laws you can search for on your own, and the pregnant pig law. 

What is interesting about the Florida Constitution is that this is a document that Floridians must vote on to include and exclude its content. In other words, we cannot really base these weird laws on our elected officials. Floridians, this is all us!

1. UNITED STATES CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENTS

The Florida Constitution states that the Florida Legislature cannot act upon United States Constitutional amendments unless a majority of the Florida Legislature were elected after the proposed amendment has been submitted. I can see where this could be a problem, because we may have to replace literally most of our elected officials. Could you imagine if the Bill of Rights were before the Florida Legislature during modern times? What would be the response? “We love this Bill of Rights idea, so half of you are fired!”

Thank goodness, the federal courts decided this wouldn’t work for them either and declared our Florida Constitution provision regarding United States Constitutional Amendments unconstitutional. Let me rephrase: The federal government found the state’s constitution to be unconstitutional*. Based on my super powerful legal research program, apparently Florida never really took a stance after Uncle Sam stepped in. 

2. LOTTERY, BINGO, AND MIDWAY GAMES

Did you know that the state’s prohibition against lotteries (other than state-approved lottery, of course, available at every gas station with specialized machines) may render your weekend bingo game a crime? That’s right, your bingo game must be specifically authorized, or else that dobber is a deadly weapon**. Luckily the Florida Supreme Court has said that your dobber does not render you as a criminal under RICO and lottery statutes***. 

For those who frequent the church bingo game, you are completely safe. If the bingo game operator is doing it for nonprofit reasons, then you are in the clear, because while the game stays the same (including the rewards your dobber brought you), the purpose behind the game apparently matters. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, but still makes you money, it must be a nonprofit bingo game.

So how do you know if you are engaging in a “lottery” game? Well, there are three elements: (1) a prize; (2) an award by chance; and (3) payment to get into the game (non-profit bingo games aside for some reason)****. If your game includes these elements, it must approved by the state.

Let us reflect on this for a moment: When I go to an amusement park in Tampa or Orlando, I play those games where I pay $5 to toss a ring or shoot a basketball into a hoop that is too high and too small in size.  Don’t worry, Shamu and Mickey Mouse are safe, because apparently these “midway games” involve the sort of skill that I will never ever possess*****.  Therefore, there is no “award by chance” even though I stand no chance of winning. 

3. WHAT WAS A CRIME YESTERDAY BUT NOT TODAY IS STILL A CRIME TOMORROW

If I was convicted of a crime yesterday, but the Florida Legislature determines it is not a crime today, it is still a crime tomorrow.

For example, today you can use force to protect your home, but that hasn’t always been the case. If you used lethal force in the past to protect your home from a burglar, you may have been convicted of a crime. If the same burglar tries to rob your neighbor today, your neighbor can engage in the exact same act and not have committed a crime. You, however, are still sitting in a cell. 

I can see the logic behind the law, because we do not want to go back and have trials for all of those people that committed such heinous criminal acts yesterday that are not worthy of being called a crime tomorrow. We certainly do not want to let them out of our crowded prison system. Well, I guess I don’t understand, actually.  

4. THE FUNDAMENTAL CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS OF PREGNANT PIGS

Actually, I could not resist this one. I think this is more of a bias against other animals who do not have their constitutional rights established. 

If one were to Google “dumb” Florida laws, one would find that the Florida Constitution prevents the confinement of pregnant pigs. 

I absolutely agree that a pregnant pig should not be confined.  However, what shocks me is that the Florida Constitution states that "inhumane treatment of animals is a concern of Florida citizens.” My concern is that if the inhumane treatment of animals is of great concern, why are we showing the pig a preference to the exclusion of other animals?

Perhaps this may be unfair and upset some people, but if a constitution is defined as “the written instrument embodying this fundamental law, together with any formal amendments” by Black’s Law Dictionary, why are pigs only granted fundamental rights?  

What about the cows, horses, chickens, etc.? Seems that we should either say in our constitution that the inhumane treatment of pigs is our only constitutional concern or include other animals too. Actually, I guess I am confused why we have this in our constitution at all. What sparked a statewide outcry for pregnant pigs when Fido was sitting on the couch next to us begging for the fundamental right to treats?